how two has been different than one.

can i be honest right now?  two kids are harder than one.  i know, shocking right?  i swear my kids tag team who is gonna wake up around six & who gets to sleep in past eight.  never fails... you'd think by chance they would maybe both sleep in past eight, but no.  there's always one up bright & early.  my attention is always divided throughout the day & sometimes i have to weigh which crying child needs me worse at that exact moment.  when i'm playing with elliot i'm sure to include parker & if i don't?  he's hanging off my back or off somewhere else, feeling left out.  if i'm playing one on one with parker then i feel bad for not engaging elliot.  two kids equals twice the "mom guilt" too.

i feel like at six-ish months with parker i had it all together.  i feel like i knew who he was & we had established our roles as baby & mom.  his personality was defined & we were checking milestones off left & right.

with elliot it's been different.  the weirdest part for me has been getting to know his own little individual personality.  he is a different baby than parker was & i feel like getting to know him has taken me longer this time around.  with parker it was all me & him, all the time.  elliot has had to go with the flow from day one, spending much of his time on my hip as we chase around parker or run our daily errands.  i feel like at almost seven months, i don't know him like i knew parker at that age.

now don't get me wrong, i have most certainly "bonded" with my baby.  this isn't a post about stress, post-partum depression or anxiety.  it's just that it has recently hit me that raising baby number two is "different" & i'm trying to put my finger on it.  and i think a big part of it is just that this time around i'm sharing my baby with another baby, rather than getting him all to myself.

there are definitely moments where i do "see" elliot for who he is.  and more often than not they are moments while nursing or getting him dressed or playing with him alone while parker naps or is off somewhere with sam.  they are the times where i get to just sit with him, uninterrupted & love on him with my whole self.  they are the times where he looks up at me like i am everything to him & he coos & smiles & giggles & makes my heart absolutely melt.  i am so grateful for those moments.

now that he is getting older & is sitting up & interacting much more, i am seeing him & parker's relationship grow like crazy.  parker will most likely be his biggest source of interaction & entertainment rather than me whereas with parker, again, it was all me & him, all the time.  i love watching my boys play together.  i love watching them become friends {actually, the other day out of nowhere parker exclaimed "elliot & i are best friends!" yeah... heart melting material} and i hope to create an environment in my home where both boys feel equally loved & included & grow up knowing there is a place for both of them in my heart.

something that i think will help this is sam & i have vowed to have regular one on one date nights with our boys.  i have absolutely noticed how much parker perks up & gets so SO excited when he gets to go out somewhere with mom or dad by himself.  he talks about a million more words a minute than normal {which is a LOT} and is absolutely the sweetest, happiest little boy in the whole world.  he thinks he is king of the world when he is out on a mommy or daddy date night.

and these nights already mean a lot to elliot too because it is the only time he gets to be the one & only. and i never want him to feel like he's living under parker's shadow.

my hat definitely goes off to moms of more than two kids.  i really, really don't know how you do it.  it obviously works somehow though, just like two is becoming our new normal.  before elliot i just couldn't imagine loving another little boy the way i did parker & it has most definitely happened.  your heart finds a way & before you know it you can't even remember what your life was like with just one.