i am both unbelievably excited... and scared out of my mind. i have so many fears & anxieties about two kids & i get really emotional thinking about it. thinking about loving another little boy the way i love parker just seems unreal. i can't even imagine.
and thinking about sharing my time with another little guy scares me more than i can explain. i am already worried about missing parker & missing our little everyday lives together. every monday through friday from 7am to 5pm it's just me & him. we go to stroller strides, we do our errands, we share soft pretzels & we take our naps. he is my best little buddy. once baby two comes, those one on one times will become a novelty. they'll become mommy-son "dates" instead of "our daily routine" & i'm going to miss that. a lot.
there will be times when both kids need me. it's going to kill me to not be able to give parker that attention he craves when the baby needs to eat. there will be times when i actually probably get frustrated with parker's silly antics as i'm trying to quiet a crying newborn. that already makes me sad. i wish i could give my whole entire self to him his whole entire life. i don't ever ever want him to think he comes second but for a while? he will. it's not that i'll love him less, it's that i need him to be more independent so that i can take care of a helpless newborn... but how do you explain that to him?
and i haven't even gotten into my own personal life. besides being a mom, i'm also a wife, a part-time ecologist, a photography-business-runner, a work-out-aholic & a blogger. but when a baby comes? all of it gets put on hold. for how long? who knows... i feel like now at two years with parker i'm just starting to "attempt to do it all" & can almost pull it off. life is pretty comfortable. but part of getting ready for this baby to come in four months is preparing mentally to give all that up for a while. as a mom, it's what we do. we put our kids first until we find time somewhere down the road for ourselves.
all this being said, i don't want anyone to read this & come away thinking this baby isn't wanted. the reality couldn't be any more the opposite. i seriously can't express how excited i am for this new addition but i would be lying if i pretended there were absolutely no nerves at play here.
but seriously? i can't wait for august to roll around. i am so excited for our little family of three to become a family of four. to someday travel with our two boys & to cart them off to t-ball & soccer practices & yell things like "leave your muddy shoes at the door & quit throwing the football in the house!" you know, the stuff that a mom of two boys would say. i can't wait. i know it's going to be amazing & i know it's going to be worth it. i want this family to grow more than anything & i know in the end it all works out or else no one would do it, right?
i'm already beginning to realize that you don't have to take love away from your first baby to feel love for your second. as this new baby grows & kicks inside my belly, i already love him so much. and i know on the day we get to meet him, my heart will surely double in size. and although i have some fears & am nervous for the sleepless nights ahead, i'm ready. or at least i'm ready to be in a fog for three to six months until i eventually come out the other side. it will be worth it. it all works out. and parker will make it out a happier little boy because he gets a little brother out of the deal.
so everybody wins... right?
I love this post, I can't imagine a new baby in my world. We are waiting another 6months or so to decide when to start trying for baby #2. But as a long time reader of yours, I also think you'll find a balance and enjoy every min of it, and look forward to the Parker dates!
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing woman and you will just grow more love for both your boys when you second baby comes along. I look forward to having my own babies one day and you have made me see again and again how wonderful it will be how much fun I will have :)
ReplyDeleteThose fears are totally real. I still wake up every morning almost 8 months after having my second and wonder how I can do it all. The reality is...you can't. And it will be a while until you feel normal again, and normal is totally different. The good thing is, the baby naps and so you do still get a lot of one on one time with Parker. I get almost 2 hours every morning just me and Jess, and although it's harder to jump in the car and do a routine, we've become happy hermits at home! :) I hope you get into a groove quickly!! As hard as it is, it's INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! Love you sweet friend!
ReplyDeleteglad i'm not the only one feeling this way. sometimes i completely feel overwhelmed at the thought of it now. but then i realize i have an amazing husband and we'll some how pull it together and it'll work. to boot we'll be moving into a new house shortly after baby girl is born. are we crazy?? thanks for this post. :)
ReplyDeleteman, i could have said all this myself. i am feeling the same way when the arrival of our new little one comes. i will have 2 kids under 2 and the thought of that scares the bejebus out of me! how to juggle it? how to sleep? how to make time for yourself?? yep, pretty scared over here too. although i can't WAIT for 2 littles to play together, it's going to be a tough road ahead. i feel ya sister! but you are way more of a go-getter than i am it seems so i see no problem with you making it work and being awesome at it! :)
ReplyDeleteI felt much the same way as you. Your fears and anxieties bring back MANY memories of my second pregnancy and preparing for two boys.
ReplyDeleteI'm going to be really cliche here and tell you that you'll just have to wait :) It's amazing how your heart can expand with love for your second baby. And you just realize how special being a mom is. Was there stress? Of course. Was their guilt? Certainly. But I can honestly say that when my second baby boy arrived it was the happiest moment of my life.
I remember feeling the same way about my daughter when I was pregnant with my son. It was hard in the beginning, but things settled down once we got into a new routine. I treasure my one-on-one time with my kids, but seeing them together is even better!
ReplyDeletesuch a wonderful post! you are such an amazing mom and these two boys are so lucky to have you! they are going to love you just as much as you love them! its amazing how your love multiplies with the more kids you have, you just have an amazing amount of love! and i love that picture of you and parker! just too cute!!
ReplyDeleteGreat post, Amy! I love how honest you are about the conflicting emotions! I worry about all this stuff, too, but I think you're right with your conclusion...you'll come out just fine on the other end and be SO SO glad you made the sacrifice because it adds another member to your family!!! And on the days when Parker is just a little too needy? Send him our way! :)
ReplyDeleteYes, everyone wins!!! That's the mentality that I try to keep. It is super tough at first. I'm only 2 weeks into having 2 boys and I am already overwhelmed and feeling pulled in so many different directions. BUT-- it's those little moments in between the chaos that keep you going, and that make it all worth it. And soon-- having 2 will become the norm and everything will all fall into place!! I'm super excited for you and your family. Oh and I can completely attest to the fact that your heart will double in size, immediately!! :-)
ReplyDeleteyep, everybody wins ;) you will survive & you will love that baby just as much as Parker! it all works out....it just does! your fears & anxieties are valid. I had the same ones. I can't imagine our family without our 2nd son. It's just RIGHT!
ReplyDeleteman...talk about pulling at my heart, ha! This post made me a little teary-eyed (aunt flow must be around the corner!)
ReplyDeleteWell said and totally understandable! You'll make it work! And I can't wait to follow your journey into life with 2 boys!
Having read your blog for a while, I don't think there is any way Parker will feel unloved. You give so much wonderfulness to him, and I think he will be excited about his baby brother. But if we didn't have nerves and worries, we wouldn't be good mommies, yeah?
ReplyDeleteoh i cried my eyes out reading this! i know EXACTLY how you feel. as much as i want to soak up every last second as a family of three i also can't freaking wait for this baby to be here. and i can't wait for that feeling i felt the second corbin was born where your heart grows a bazillion sizes and you have no clue how it even happened.
ReplyDeletethanks for sharing your toughts on this. we are not going to start trying for numero dos for another year or so but i think of how things will change when that time eventually comes. the thought of it scares me a bit, too. the biggest lesson that i've learned so far as a parent is one that i always have known but parenting just reminded me of the truth behind it all and that is that life is a wheel. it just keeps going around and around and if i just hang on, have a good attitude, and appreciate the good in each day, everything will be fine and work itself out in time. (and yup, i got this whole concept from john mayer's song "wheel") :) and also, ya know that quote by robert frost - "in three words i can sum up everything there is to know about life. it goes on." well said, mr. frost. well said.
ReplyDeleteanyway, long ramble all to basically say that i wish you the best on all that is to come and the ability to enjoy your "new two" everyday when that times comes. :)
I have two boys 17 months apart and it was a huge challenge for a long time. But, they are 5 and almost 4 right now and it was so worth it! They are the best of friends and play and entertain each other! Can't imagine what it would be like for them not to have each other! I remember feeling really sad about my oldest being forced to grow up and no longer be the baby...but, you know what? He totally fit right in to his role as big brother right after my youngest was born and it was perfect. He was never jealous and got so much more independent! Now I'm pregnant with our 3rd - a girl! Took me a LONG time to decide to have a third after two so close together!
ReplyDeleteits just one more person to love little parker as much as you and sam.
ReplyDeleteYou already give Parker so much love that I cannot imagine your boys being unhappy. You are an incredible mother and having another one around is just going to mean a little but more love in your home :)
ReplyDeleteTotally a win win win. The most frustrating part is when they both need things at the same time, but it's all a work in progress!
ReplyDeleteAll totally natural fears. Just like adjusting to one kid in the first place you just find room and time for number two that you didn't even realize you had. Honestly number two is easier (IMO), since you have already been broken into parenthood. You already know what minimal sleep, almost nonexistent personal space, and constant vigilance is like. And really until the second one starts moving on their own they are just a cute little tagalong :).
ReplyDeleteJust because you have some fears about making 'space' if you will for number two, doesn't not make me think at all that you don't want baby #2. Change is tough, plain and simple. As excited as I was for Ryann to be born, I got pretty emotional in the last couple of weeks, thinking that never again will it just be me and my husband. We'd been a pair for eight years before Ryann, how could there be room in our relationship for something else? But there always is. I know that is different than adding a second child, but I understand you're feelings.
ReplyDeleteChange is just tough, and you have every right to feel exactly what you're feeling.
I'm not even pregnant with my second child and I know exactly how you feel. Those fears/feelings are exactly why we are putting off having a second baby. I'm not ready to divide my time between Landon and a new baby. There are just so many things I'm not ready for and a lot of them you've already mentioned here. I'm not sure if I'll ever be ready for another one. If it happens then it happens. I'll be happy but we definitely aren't ready for one. You'll figure it all out. Just like we will if we ever decide to have another baby.
ReplyDeleteAlso, totally off topic but where did you find that Scooby Doo shirt? Landon is obsessed with SD and would love that shirt. :D
Teary over here... felt like you went in and took my fears and put them in black and white. I am so excited and I know it will be all okay - but scared too. thank you for putting in words.
ReplyDeletethose are the same fears i had when i got pregnant with owen. it comes pretty natural to get into a routine with 2. and the dates you will go on with parker will be so special!! :)
ReplyDeleteBecause you are concerned and pondering about this means you are going to be wonderful with two. Overall, it's not better or worse, just different, and you'll be fantastic at it! :)
ReplyDeleteDon't worry too much about Parker. He'll be fine! It's good for him to learn independence. I'm the oldest child, and I never felt unloved or like I came second. I think all your fears feel very acute right now, but once your second son arrives, your family will meld into what it was meant to be.
ReplyDeletegirl, you got this. your feelings? totally normal & expected. i remember being on the way to the hospital to deliver #2 & crying, hysterically, because what the eff were we doing messing up our perfect family of three. um, hello emotional freak out...i did not expect it. at that moment it all became real. as soon as my daughter was put in my arms, i knew, I KNEW she completed us. then when my son, my #1, came to meet her...love. unconditional, automatic, curious (as only a 2 year old can) love. now they are 5 and 3 1/2 and the best of friends. honestly, having #2 when #1 was 2 was perfect. neither of them know their lives without the other. they are the best of friends and as i type this they are sitting next to me with their legs intertwined & playing a game on my iphone. i'd snap a picutre but 1. they have my phone & 2. you know the second i grab my big camera they will no longer be next two each other.
ReplyDeleteyou will make room in that big ole' heart of yours for #2. parker will love being a big brother. it is a special roll after all. and a great notion, and i was told this too, when #2 is born have a gift ready in your bag for parker from the baby! it will let him know that he is just as important. when you're home, have him help out as much as he can, where he can. i have such wonderful memories of ben giving em toys in her bouncy seat or he would just sit next to her & talk to her. this will be you. i promise.
you will find balance. you will find harmony. once you find the groove it will become second nature to everyone!
hugs to you.
I felt the same way, it was very hard i think though for my situation since Braiden had been my one and only child for 4 years by the time baby Landon arrived after 2 babies we lost, which after those I felt like this just means god wants me to spend more time with my only child, and it actually worked out between deployment, family issues, and that one on one was amazing for us. Then Landon arrived, and wow my sweet little date days and nights with my Braiden seemed to occur less and less :( I would cry, and my husband has a very demanding job, yet totally appreciated, but yet I felt so alone. It was nice to talk to other moms who felt how I did. It helped, we set up times even if my hubby got home from work, I would run up to the store with just Braiden, or took him to pizza night just the two of us, or my hubby would take him to the movies just them! It was so nice for all of us, Landon being preemie we spent a lot of time in PT, doctors visits, and Braiden was so good with it all. We felt we could handle it all after we found a way to deal. Now with number 3, I worry more about Braiden, and Landon how sad is that!? Just because Braiden and I are close, and buddie through this deployment as well. I know though he is my helper, and we will always make time for each child to spend with each of us. Even if it a grocery store trip, playtime outside, or a trip to the yogurt store! You can do this, and if you need someone to vent or talk to, I'm here!
ReplyDeleteIt appears you have sorted it out pretty much in the process of composing this post. The new little person will sleep a lot the first few weeks so the transition could be fairly gentle. Parker is SO secure as you and Sam have given him the best possible start in his first two years. You are right to treasure each moment, life is always a changing journey... oxox
ReplyDeleteThe bad news is that you WILL probably have that guilty knot in your stomach feeling about taking attention away from parker... Probably for about 2 weeks. But then there's this miraculous shift where everyone gets used to this new family and it's all suddenly comfortable. I worried that Niall hated brendan (and me) for what felt like forever, but then all of a sudden everything was normal. Just like the old normal when it was just me and Niall. Now I can't even imagine the old normal. Just try to remember in that beginning phase that its ok for things to be uncomfortable for a bit. It will quickly turn to amazing! You'll do great!!
ReplyDeleteThe bad news is that you WILL probably have that guilty knot in your stomach feeling about taking attention away from parker... Probably for about 2 weeks. But then there's this miraculous shift where everyone gets used to this new family and it's all suddenly comfortable. I worried that Niall hated brendan (and me) for what felt like forever, but then all of a sudden everything was normal. Just like the old normal when it was just me and Niall. Now I can't even imagine the old normal. Just try to remember in that beginning phase that its ok for things to be uncomfortable for a bit. It will quickly turn to amazing! You'll do great!!
ReplyDeleteI have no experience with having two, but it really sounds like you have a good grasp on it. I am sure the transition will come more naturally than you think, and your family of four will soon be just as happy as your family of three. Your are a wonderful momma with plenty of love and attention to give!!
ReplyDeleteOk first of all, I'm bawling. I can't wait to find out what the little Bean is my belly is going to be... But at the same time I'm so scared for things not to be just {my} Parker and I... Your post really summed up a lot of what I'm feeling!
ReplyDeleteIt's nice that you're honest about how you're feeling. You'll probably enjoy having a post like this to look back on later and see how far you've gotten! It will be SO much fun, though. For sure. And think about all the fun baby pictures you'll be able to take now that you have all your photog skills.
ReplyDeleteLove this post Amy! I have those same fears and we're not even pregnant! I know it's super common, and I'm sure you will do great! Some things may have to stay on the back burner for a bit till you get settled again, but you will find a way to "do it all" again! :-)
ReplyDelete♥ Kyna
You are absolutely correct! It's going to be more than fine when the new little one arrives. You will be an awesome family of four! What's better than that? Don't worry, your newborn will not be a newborn forever and will eventually not require your full attention. You will learn how to divide your attention among them. And what's a better way to show your first born love than to give him a sibling for life? Right?
ReplyDeleteYour post brought me to tears. When I think about having a second, I have the SAME EXACT thoughts. Thank you for articulating them in such a clear and honest way.
ReplyDeletebeautiful. the picture of you and your little guys is just adorable.
ReplyDelete-Carli
Seriously, every blog post you write about this pregnancy could come directly out of my brain (only it would not be so eloquent!). I don't even need to post about any of this, I should just direct people to your blog to let them know how I am feeling ;)
ReplyDeleteOkay. I have been trying to comment on your blog since last week when you posted about the truth about having boys, and my phone has been being ridonkulous and not letting me. And my computer at school blocks your blog. And at home I forget because I'm freaking watching one tree hill until 2 in the morning.
ReplyDeleteANYWAY, about the honest about having 1 boys post--freak! Now I want another baby! And not just a baby, but a brother for Dane! I seriously think you said it perfectly...how fun for them to grow up together??
And about this post--um...did you crack open my skull and read my thoughts?? Because seriously? This is why we're still on kid #1. I am SO paranoid about all of these same things. I can't imagine Dane not being the center of our universe. Obviously millions of people have more than one kid, but it still breaks my heart to think of his world being turned upside down and not understanding why he doesn't get 100% of us. I keep tellin Michael that I will probably always secretly love Dane a little more. He says no way. But do you know why i mean! An aunt told me once that you love all your kids the same, but the first one is special. And I believe it
That last comment cut me off. Um, maybe cause I'd written a novel?? Anyway, I believe it, but I also know that the love my heart can hold will just double for another kid. Which is exciting. Anyway, I guess my point is that you are not at all alone unfeeling like this, and I don't think anyone thinks you aren't excited for this baby. Obviously you are! And I'm excite for you! And now I will conclude my second novel of a comment.
ReplyDeleteHave so much fun in San Diego!! We vacaed there 2 years ago and it was heaven. Enjoy it!