so the other night i went to this free class offered by our hospital on toddler behavior. it was amazing. it was taught by a clinical pediatric psychiatrist who had lots of letters after his name, so he knew some stuff. for reals, he had all kinds of smart things to say & i'm pretty much an expert on toddler behavior now, too.
: : insert about ten minutes of laughter : :
ok, i'm back. so one class on toddler behavior didn't actually make me an expert but i did learn lots of interesting things. like, did you know you can pretty much assess what sort of personality your kid will have throughout their entire life by the age of six months? studies have shown that mellow babies more often than not turn out to be mellow adults & the same is true for "spirited" babies. interesting, right? ok, maybe that didn't knock you out of your chair but just stick with me.
they gave us lots of tips for handling tantrums, which dramatically spike between 1-3 years. apparently if you have a girl the tantrums go wayyyyy down by the age of three. but boys? they have almost twice as many tantrums on average than girls & it continues on until about 4 or 5. lame.
case in point: this kid. they showed this video clip & it's pretty freaking funny. so here i am showing it to you.
you better have watched at least the first forty-five seconds. because that kid is awesome.
anywho, one thing to remember is that tantrums have meaning. they are a milestone & totally serve a purpose... by throwing fits, apparently your kid is learning how to deal with anger & will learn how to react based on your reaction. so the number one rule to dealing with a tantrum? stay. calm.
if you freak out & try to fix everything or yell back or get flustered than your kid will most likely escalate. so take a deep breath... count to three, ten, or maybe a hundred... and stay calm.
another fun fact i learned? as a general rule of thumb, your kid understands about 10x more than they can say. so parker's clearly saying like 6-7 words? that means he understands somewhere between 60 to 70. whoa. i need to start giving him some more credit. how frustrated must he be that he knows what he wants, but totally lacks the ability to tell me? this is where i start wishing i took baby signing time a little more seriously. oops.
so i'm totally interested in hearing what has worked for all of you. what are some of your tips for dealing with tantrums, or keeping them minimal in general?
i've noticed some days where i feel like all i'm saying is "parker no! no! parker... no!" i need to make an effort to say other things. you know, the whole five positives to every negative. and that's usually when i need to stop what i'm doing & give him some one on one attention. i have really been trying to focus on telling him when he's being good & reward him for that behavior right away.
some day we'll actually set rules & try time outs. but for now? i'm just trying to keep him fed & napped so that when we're in public we have as few meltdowns as possible. because as cute as his little frowny face is, i prefer this one much, much more.
your votes put a smile on parker's face every day. i promise they do.
That is really interesting! I notice Michael rarely throws tantrums now at 4.5, I guess because he knows they get him no where (except alone in his room) so we're into the negotiation phase. Kid could be a lawyer - no joke.
ReplyDeleteBahaha! I've totally had each one of my kiddo's do the tantrum crawl where they've followed me around, throwing themselves on the ground when they've found me. I completely vouch for the personality by 6 months too. I've seen it in all my babies. They're all relatively the same! I think the biggest thing I've learned through the tantrum phases is picking my battles. "Does it really matter in the long wrong?" that has helped me out so many times. Sometimes yea it matters and it is darn worth the battle, but sometimes? It's just not. I will say that I've never understood why they call it terrible "two's" because three's? Are a MILLION times worse. Boy or girl. Just saying. ;)
ReplyDeleteI noticed that Kale started having tantrums pretty much the day he turned one. Like Brianne mentioned, I like to think about things in the long run. I think about the kind of person I want Kale to be five, ten years down the road and ask whether him having something or doing something that I don't think is a good idea at the moment is really going to impact him becoming that person I envision. I also think that one of the best lessons kids teach us is to SLOW DOWN. Kale is at the stage where he wants to walk everywhere and will throw a fit if we try to carry him. So it pretty much takes us an hour to get to the corner, but that's ok - it's made me slow down, look around, and enjoy the moment. Clealry we can't always let him do what he want and take our sweet time getting places, but when we can, we do.
ReplyDeletei wish i could have went to that class! ugh!
ReplyDeleteso what do i do to handle tantrums? well, we just try to distract as much as possible. or we completely act like nothing is going on and go on about our conversation/shopping/whatever the case may be. it's weird because sometimes these work and sometimes they don't. so i'm always left feeling really anxious while it's happening just worried that our methods aren't going to work.
i have a problem with always saying no too. it's so bad! wyatt will point at people in target and yell NO at them and then i feel really bad that he knows that word so clearly and yet doesn't really say any other real words. UGH. mommmmmmmmm guilt.
That video is so funny! But good to understand that he is so frustrated at not feeling understood. You were very mellow - we lucked out with all of you girls. The only tantrum we remember was Shelley (about 1 yr.) in the ice cream parlor when she was served the decorated clown ice cream cone - (ice cream cone served upside down in a dish)
ReplyDeletenot sure I really like the girl vs boy stats...booo! with Maddox's tantrums, I just walk away far enough to still keep an eye on him for safety. or, I just sit there & ignore it. he's still too young to verbalize what he wants, so I can only imagine how frustrating it is for him!
ReplyDeletePie's tantrums are quick but furious. So if I can just wait out the minute or two it's usually fine. We also tend to start talking really loudly about something super fun we're doing over here and how we sure wish Pie would join us. That works about 50% of the time. She starts to wonder if we really are doing something super fun and will come check it out. :D
ReplyDeleteLOL! That was an awesome video. At least he's persistent. I feel bad, but when Christian throws a tantrum (which is a lot now that he turned 1, what gives?) we initially laughed. They were SO SO dramatic, I couldn't help myself. Now, we stay calm...either walk away or just take away the thing he's being dramatic and not give it back to him until he calms down...which can be hours down the road. Luckily, my husband has taught for 10 years, so he's mastered the cool and calm. He see's high school kids throwing tantrums, so it's good to nip thatbad habit early :)
ReplyDeleteHaha I watched that video on America's Funniest Home Videos.. I think it actually won too. Too funny :)
ReplyDeleteE is 7 months and I'm afraid I'm already starting to see signs of tantrums but they usually rear their ugly head if he doesn't get his way. I need to find a class like that.
ReplyDeletethat vid was hilarious. i really hope i don't have to deal with too many tantrums... i have a feeling i wouldn't react well. i'd probably be the kind that would drop everything and be like "ok we're going home" and say they have to stay in their rooms until they are done meanwhile i'd be screaming and gritting my teeth outside their room.
ReplyDeleteby the way you have 666 followers right now... creepers
Very interesting! I want to hear more about this class. And that video was hilarious!
ReplyDeleteOh man, thank you for sharing this! And, I think I'm going to see if there's any classes like that around here.....very good info!
ReplyDeleteThat video is hilarious. However, it's scary how much Ellie is like that kid!! Ahhh!! Her fits look a lot like that, and she's only 16 months old!! The terrible two's have shown up a little early here ;)
I've found that the most effective way to deal with Noah's tantrums... is to ignore them. Most of his showing it out is in an effort to just get something he wants (and doesn't need) so he freaks out. Also, when he gets upset, yelling or raising my voice only upsets him more. But if I take the time to get down on his level, eye to eye, and explain (in his terms) what's going on, the response is much more calm and relaxed. Great tips!!
ReplyDeleteExcellent post. Figures that boys have more tantrums. Come to think of it, I've seen very few little girls throw tantrums in public and FAR MORE boys. I wonder if it has to do with the fact that men seem to have more anger {or get angry more easily} than women? Or perhaps women just hold it all in. Hmmm.
ReplyDeleteFrom what I've observed babysitting and etc, ignoring tantrums and going on like everything is just peachy seems to be the best way to end a tantrum quickly. If the kid realizes they're not getting any attention by throwing a tantrum, OR getting what they want, they'll usually stop... eventually.
I loved your post!
ReplyDeleteI definitely need to focus on saying many more positives than negatives--it's a struggle.
I think I have a gift for producing spirited children--seriously. But, life is never boring. :)
I learned about this too! I love learning about child development because I'm hoping it will help me know what to do in different situations...or understand what's going on at least.
ReplyDeleteHa ha! Love this. Dustyn still throws tantrums at home, but out and about he rarely does them. Good luck with them. ha ha.
ReplyDeleteok that video was hilarious! I hate to laugh at the crying kid, but that was funny.
ReplyDeleteWe don't handle tantrums very well. At all. He throws a fit and it's explosive! I just can't do the whining and screaming. Then it becomes throwing things. Yep, two year olds are pretty impressive.
He goes straight to his room where he'll calm down alone. But if he can still see me he goes on, and on, and on, and...
oh I wanted to add, logan never really throws a tantrum in public. Which is good. I just keep him with a lot of snacks and talking about something constantly and he's good. So my defense is food and sleep! Works great :)
ReplyDeleteahahaha. Child behavior is so so interesting, but I'm not certified to give advice since I'm not yet a mama. That video though? Hilarious!
ReplyDeleteCute blog you guys have! I think it depends on the child. My oldest is a very logical girl, so we have to let her throw a 1-2 minute fit to let her get the frustrations out. Then it's all about trying to communicate what she wants/needs. Once that is established we can address it fairly easily. Even if she doesn't get her way, she has to know why. Once she knows and understands the why behind it (you may not have that toy because we don't need it, and we did not come to the store to buy a toy today) then she is fine. She will even remind me later, "we couldn't get that toy - cause we have lots of toys, huh mommy?" On the other hand, our youngest is a tantrum on the ground type of girl. She will lay down and cry. For her, we've learned that it's more about attention. When she throws her fits, we usually give her a minute or so to vent. Then, either hubby or I will take her on our laps and talk to her (even though she doesn't talk a lot yet). But, just that 1:1 time calms her down and helps her. So, it's all about figuring out why the tantrum is happening, and what they are trying to communicate. Once that is established, tantrums can be handled better.
ReplyDeletedistraction. seriously its hands down the most effective way of dealing with a toddler tantrum. revert their attention elsewhere and they will {promise} forget what the heck they were even throwing the tantrum about in the first place.
ReplyDeleteif all else fails - suckers. they work miracles ;)
OH my goodness, seriously could not stop laughing over that kid's tantrum. Once and a while my daughter will do that. I usually stay calm and just cuddle her and try to figure out what she needs. But this was a great post. Gave me a lot to think about. :)
ReplyDeleteI can't say we have really dealt with tantrums yet, but with our situation Liam got away with a lot. He is just become a "normal" toddler now.
ReplyDeleteBut I can relate to children understanding more than they say. My masters thesis was on the relationship between language development and reading disabilities. Unfortunately language development is associated with income level. Point being children are more successful when spoken to as if they understand; don't just say "no", explain. Ex. I would prefer you dont stand on your chair because if you fall you will get hurt.
Boy I sound like a know it all!
Really great information and perfect timing! This is in the not too distant future for us. I have to say that Parker is cute even when he is not a happy camper!!
ReplyDeleteI ended up sitting on the shop floor joining in the tantrum. The look of the other shoppers was totally worth it. My daughter soon stopped and said "what are you doing mommy". Check out this site for other tips on toddlers. http://www.mychildexpert.com
ReplyDeleteamy this is the best post! i am actually really into this and wish more parents knew about it. i always feel like im too preachy when i talk about these things. im reading, well ive read it and am reading it again...and again...and again, called "your childs self esteem" and its from like the 70's but its so amazing! i've never really told corbin "no". i mean, of course i say it sometimes but its always, "thats hot and dangerous" so that he understands not to touch it. like you said, they know so much more then they can even say. and he for sure understands what hot means. also, instead of saying things like, "stop acting like that" i tell him how he should be acting. or if he hits something out of frustration i just stay calm and say something like, "lets be gentle and nice to your toys" and show him how to nicely play with it. okay, so thats my two cents. im really happy you went and learned about this stuff. sometimes its SO HARD to stay calm but its just their feelings and how they know how to express them so i cant get mad about that! he can be frustrated or sad or mad or whatever he wants to be. its more training myself how to deal with him and keep my patience!!
ReplyDeleteDidn't have too much struggle staying calm until I added a second kiddo and all of a sudden I have felt more anger toward my daughter than ever (she did have some immediate behavior issues as a result of the addition). Could be hormones but my patience is not what it could be!
ReplyDeleteWith her though, the Five Love Languages stuff is very obvious. She is a words of praise girl and quality time. If you get mad at her at all, even without raising your voice, she is emotionally crushed. Apparently I was the same way as a child - also interesting.
I found your info very informative and interesting(have I said this enough?)! You should keep doing this because I'm too lazy to read a whole book about it or even go to a class like you did! I love the truncated version!
I try my best to stay calm during tantrum time. I try to distract her with things that mike make her happy or change the subject. I try to let her know it's not the end of the world and yes I get tired and grumpy and yell back and say no and feel bad 10 seconds later because negativity just causes more tears and has the opposite effect of what I want. It may seem like I spOil or baby her to onlookers especially older folks but making her happy is my main priorty so I try to ignore those opinions when possible
ReplyDeleteThis is so helpful! I try to stay calm and cool, but it's really hard sometimes. I do time outs with Niall and they seem to help. But mostly, I find that offering options helps him to feel a little more in control and not fly off the handle. So if I see he's getting frustrated, I'll say something like "you can't play with the glass bowl, but do you want your choo choo train or your Elmo?" And then he feels pretty special when I let him have both ;)
ReplyDeleteWhat a great class! I've never heard of such a thing. Or maybe I just wasn't paying attention.
ReplyDeleteWe haven't had a huge problem with tantrums and we still don't. But at almost 3-years-old it seems like my son gets more frustrated more easily. We do timeouts, especially if he ever purposefully hurts his baby brother, which is rare.
But we did not start time outs until 21-months-old.
I just believe in a routine and consistency when it comes to discipline. Yes, they can understand a lot more than we give them credit for but they are still SO young.
It really doesn't bother me too much when my kids throw tantrums. Don't we all feel like that sometimes?
ReplyDeletei love this post! although you kinda super bummed me out with the assessing their personality for life at six months. carter's going to be very upset with life :P
ReplyDelete