why i hope you never hear me complain about my kid.

a lot of you may remember the tragic death of my niece back in march.  i posted a little bit about what happened, a few details about our trip, & a couple posts about how we were coping.  but i don't feel like i adequately wrapped up just how much the loss of samantha has truly changed my life.

i always knew i wanted kids & i figured when the time was right it would be easy to get them.  after all, it was relatively easy for all three of my sisters to get pregnant.  so, after sam & i got married & had a couple years to ourselves we decided it was time to start our family.  after two years & many visits to many different doctors, including a reproductive specialist, it finally happened.  i was pregnant (with no help from the reproductive specialist).  it was a total miracle.  i swore to myself i would be the happiest pregnant girl ever.  it took us two years to get pregnant & i was just so grateful it had finally happened.  so i vowed to not complain.

well that didn't last.  have you ever met a pregnant girl that didn't complain?  me either.  there were all sorts of aches & pains & parts of pregnancy that i didn't love.  but i still tried to enjoy every single second, because i was just so grateful to be pregnant.

and then parker was born.  he was perfect.  but i was a zombie who didn't function well on 2-3 hour blocks of sleep & felt trapped in my own house at times.  that was hard.  after a couple months he slept more & he became more & more fun but i was still adjusting.  sometimes i would lose site of what a miracle i was holding & feel sorry for myself.  i would try to remember back to the spontaneous freedom that my pre-baby life allowed.

these thoughts scare me, because?  a life without parker is truly my worst most deepest fear.

when we heard the news that two month old samantha had passed away in her sleep {she had rsv & influenza a), we were devastated.  clearly.  we knew we needed to leave immediately to be with our family & show our support.  what i didn't know, was that the funeral would be the hardest thing i have ever experienced emotionally.  ever.

no parent should have to bury their infant child.  no coffin should only be two feet long.  and no cemetery should have to have an entire section dedicated exclusively to babies & children.  but it happens.  and before this, it only happened to other people.  not to my family.  tragic death wasn't something that was a real possibility.  and now it is.

i walked away from sammy's funeral realizing that every single second i have with parker is a gift.  every day that he wakes up & greets me in his crib with a big silly grin is a miracle.  and every single temper tantrum or "hard day" is a day that any mother who has ever experienced loss would beg to have again with their own baby.

i can't take a second with parker for granted.  not a single second.  life is too short for me to waste time complaining.  so i hope i never do.

---

the funeral was heart-wrenching & i cried more in that one day than i have in years.  but while we were waiting to walk into the chapel as a family for the funeral service i handed my phone over to my niece ellie, sammy's big sister.

ellie took these pictures with my phone.  and this is how i would like to remember that day.  my family, together, sharing love & support & even the occasional smile.

{ellie being ellie.}

{jodi. brad. brandi.}

{my father-in-law & kasey. me & jodi. laura's sister & mom.}

{me... ellie's view. korry. sam.}

{my mother-in-law. laura & kasey's neighbor. portrait of sammy done by my mom.}

i never got to hold sammy before she passed.  i never got to hear her cry or smell her sweet baby smells or touch her soft baby skin.  but she has made an impact on my life that will be with me forever.

and i can't wait to thank her for that someday.